Short But Funny Jokes
A collection of 60 funny jokes submitted by Reddit users. They range from cute to really punny.
What’s green and eats nuts?
Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
- Tracy Jordan
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis – I mean light-bulb!
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler…
Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
The stationary store moved.
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
I hear it’s making headlines.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
Why was the letter C afraid of the other letters?
They were Not-Cs.
A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”
Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there’s a small medium at large.
Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I hate myself.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car?
Because she’s dead.
What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
“I don’t know, what?”
A pilot you racist.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Doc told me that my IQ test results came back negative.
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”
Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!
Do you know what is the difference between shower curtain and the toilet paper? No? So you’re the one!
Q: Opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A guy wearing only saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
“What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“‘Ell if i know.”
What’s the difference between a jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”
There are two muffins in an oven. First muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here”. The second muffin replies “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN”!
Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff.
Why can’t asian parents have white babies? Two wongs don’t make a white.
What do you call a Mexican without a car?
The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped.
What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer Balls. You get them under a buck.
Make the little things count, teach midgets math.
For Halloween in West Virginia they pump kin.
Guy: If you woke up in the woods and found you have been anally raped all night long, would you tell somebody?
Girl: Oh my god, No!
Guy: Wanna go camping?
Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other “I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like everyone else in his car.
How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
Dyslexics are teople poo.
What do Michael Jackson and black caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.
Two cows are grazing in the field
One turns to the other and asks, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
And the other responds, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightblulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week? He pasta way.
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