Friday, September 5, 2014

Short But Funny Jokes

A collection of 60 funny jokes submitted by Reddit users. They range from cute to really punny.

1. EstherHarshom

What’s green and eats nuts?


2. VildereKlovn

Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

- Tracy Jordan

3. ChrisLikesSoda

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…

4. azembala

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

5. VinciFox

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

6. habitualbastard

Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.

7. FidelCastrator

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis – I mean light-bulb!

8. neallf

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler…

9. buskey

Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

10. McDoogleSnatch

The stationary store moved.

11. bathswithdad

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
I hear it’s making headlines.

12. -Minnow-

Life without women would be a pain in the ass.


What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

14. 22sjpog

Why was the letter C afraid of the other letters?
They were Not-Cs.

15. Utoss

A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.

16. UnseenGlasses

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”

17. william_f_murray

Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there’s a small medium at large.

18. JLipari

Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

19. ForSakeOfArgument

It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I hate myself.


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

21. 3SP

There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

22. jcsulser

Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car?
Because she’s dead.

23. lolalodge

What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

24. rev0lut10n

I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.

25. g1344304

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.

26. crocoperson

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

27. psufan5

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
“I don’t know, what?”
A pilot you racist.

28. FeralMuse

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

29. Trumpstah

Job interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

30. nataliejeanie

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

31. MarlboroMundo

Doc told me that my IQ test results came back negative.

32. betteporter

“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

33. Dawn_of_the_bread

Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!

34. idleWizard

Do you know what is the difference between shower curtain and the toilet paper? No? So you’re the one!

35. TonyX816

Q: Opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A:Christopher Walken.

36. freedom4me

A guy wearing only saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

37. Zictor04

“What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“‘Ell if i know.”

38. dandrufforsnow

What’s the difference between a jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.

39. doolie_noted

A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

40. Clamps187

There are two muffins in an oven. First muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here”. The second muffin replies “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN”!


Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff.

42. Calomalo

Why can’t asian parents have white babies? Two wongs don’t make a white.

43. Pureeee

What do you call a Mexican without a car?

44. thornae

The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.

45. foxsable

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped.

46. lawyerman13

What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer Balls. You get them under a buck.

47. fafinal

Make the little things count, teach midgets math.

48. destroythepoon

For Halloween in West Virginia they pump kin.

49. CharlieMay

Guy: If you woke up in the woods and found you have been anally raped all night long, would you tell somebody?
Girl: Oh my god, No!
Guy: Wanna go camping?

50. sittingaround

Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other “I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

51. pitchinnate

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like everyone else in his car.

52. BigRme

How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

53. sittingaround

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

54. idsc93

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

55. BizCaus

Dyslexics are teople poo.

56. vdaddyslav

What do Michael Jackson and black caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.

57. ybcuz

Two cows are grazing in the field
One turns to the other and asks, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
And the other responds, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

58. kballs

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightblulb?

59. Sir0bin

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

60. zrajpari

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week? He pasta way.

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