Friday, September 5, 2014

Short But Funny Jokes


A collection of 60 funny jokes submitted by Reddit users. They range from cute to really punny.


1. EstherHarshom


What’s green and eats nuts?

Syphilis.

2. VildereKlovn


Somebody stole my mood ring and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

- Tracy Jordan

3. ChrisLikesSoda


So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere…

4. azembala


I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

5. VinciFox


A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

6. habitualbastard


Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.

7. FidelCastrator


How many Freudian psychologists does it take to screw in a penis – I mean light-bulb!

8. neallf


How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler…

9. buskey


Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

10. McDoogleSnatch


The stationary store moved.

11. bathswithdad


Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?
I hear it’s making headlines.

12. -Minnow-


Life without women would be a pain in the ass.

13. I_F*&^ED_GRANDMA


What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.

14. 22sjpog


Why was the letter C afraid of the other letters?
They were Not-Cs.

15. Utoss


A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof.

16. UnseenGlasses


Comic Sans walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here.”

17. william_f_murray


Did you hear about the psychic midget that robbed a bank? Now there’s a small medium at large.

18. JLipari


Why are NYers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is just New Jersey.

19. ForSakeOfArgument


It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I hate myself.

20. I_FUCKED_GRANDMA


What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

21. 3SP


There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says “do you know how to drive this thing?”

22. jcsulser


Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car?
Because she’s dead.

23. lolalodge


What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

24. rev0lut10n


I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.

25. g1344304


What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs.

26. crocoperson


Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

27. psufan5


What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
“I don’t know, what?”
A pilot you racist.

28. FeralMuse


What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
Also, did you hear about the dyslexic satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.

29. Trumpstah


Job interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

30. nataliejeanie


Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

31. MarlboroMundo


Doc told me that my IQ test results came back negative.

32. betteporter


“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

33. Dawn_of_the_bread


Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature!

34. idleWizard


Do you know what is the difference between shower curtain and the toilet paper? No? So you’re the one!

35. TonyX816


Q: Opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A:Christopher Walken.

36. freedom4me


A guy wearing only saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

37. Zictor04


“What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino?”
“What?”
“‘Ell if i know.”

38. dandrufforsnow


What’s the difference between a jew and a canoe? A canoe tips.

39. doolie_noted


A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey, is the bar tender here?”

40. Clamps187


There are two muffins in an oven. First muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here”. The second muffin replies “HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN”!

41. SHOCKINGUSERNAME


Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff.

42. Calomalo


Why can’t asian parents have white babies? Two wongs don’t make a white.

43. Pureeee


What do you call a Mexican without a car?
Carlos.

44. thornae


The French have just one egg for breakfast, because that’s un oeuf.

45. foxsable


How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two but it’s kind of cramped.

46. lawyerman13


What is the cheapest kind of meat? Deer Balls. You get them under a buck.

47. fafinal


Make the little things count, teach midgets math.

48. destroythepoon


For Halloween in West Virginia they pump kin.

49. CharlieMay


Guy: If you woke up in the woods and found you have been anally raped all night long, would you tell somebody?
Girl: Oh my god, No!
Guy: Wanna go camping?

50. sittingaround


Two atoms are walking down the street, one says to the other “I think I just lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”

51. pitchinnate


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like everyone else in his car.

52. BigRme


How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

53. sittingaround


A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink.

54. idsc93


What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

55. BizCaus


Dyslexics are teople poo.

56. vdaddyslav


What do Michael Jackson and black caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.

57. ybcuz


Two cows are grazing in the field
One turns to the other and asks, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?”
And the other responds, “What do I care, I’m a helicopter!”

58. kballs


How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightblulb?
LET’S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

59. Sir0bin


It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

60. zrajpari


Did you hear about the Italian chef who died last week? He pasta way.




































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